Slowly.........

October 24 - 24 days into October. Seven days left to go.  It.went.too.fast.again.

Still, in 25 days, there has been progress in my quest to figure out what I really want, and actually need, my life to look like.  I KNOW I have to find a way to live more in the moment, to let go, to energize myself with time doing what I love, to allow others to just be, and most importantly, do all of this so I will be a much brighter light for the one who saved my soul.

I've learned so much about God's faithfulness these past few years in my hardest moments.  In those moments that break us to the core of our soul, He is there.  Period. Always.  Without fail.  Probably more amazing to me, and certainly more humbling, is His faithfulness to me now.  These are the moments where there are no real scary issues for my family, our blessings are numerous, and life is basically calm.  This is when I know He is faithful, His love is unconditional, and His grace absolutely covers me.  You see, in these months, my faithfulness to Him is lacking.  I seem to wander through the days, not settling down long enough for meaningful time and conversation with anyone, much less my Lord and Savior.  The hardest part - I can't seem to be an overcomer in this area right now.  I will vow to do better, pray for help, and then wander through the next day.

I buy books, download devotionals and podcasts, listen to podcasts, pray throughout the day at random moments, and know I am less than whole because of this lack of real, carved out time of relationship.  I need time spent reading His word, reading amazing literature that grows my faith, journaling prayers and praises, and just resting in Him.

Today is a new day though, there is time in the day to start.  Today.

Seriously, what happened to September?

It is October 1st - seriously?  A few years back, I began to thank God for specific days. You know, like "Thank you God for Monday, September 30 2013".  I said those words yesterday and actually began to choke up.  Totally threw me for a loop - did not expect that.  

In some ways, I think I've just thought it would be a good idea to get this year over - get through all those "firsts" again.  Still, I just don't think I thought it would go SO fast.  I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Fall.  I wait for it beginning January 1st of every year.  Every year I also make a deal with myself to slow down and really enjoy the fall days.  Every year, I wake up and it's December 1st and fall is done.  This year was going to be different - my life looks different this fall without mom and her care.  There should be time.  Tell that to September - totally gone and I didn't even really know it was here.

I can give you many reasons why October and November will feel the same way - lots of life going on, a wedding to help plan (that is a whole 'nother post), and a house that was full before I brought home a whole lot of what was in my parents' home.  So.much.to.do.

I'm learning though, that the choice is mine most of time.  I wake up each morning and make a decision whether I will rush through every moment of the day, already anticipating what the next moment needs to look like OR choosing to live in the moment I am in.

Truth - I am not at all sure how I will do this month with my choices but I am going to try.  I desperately want to slow down, live in and cherish the moments, and just be grateful.

Thirty-one days to try.  I'm going to start with today.

Enjoy the moment!

Summertime

"As schedules shift, so must our souls. And as my soul takes a deep breath in, I remember how it could be like this all the time if I wanted it to be. Not the schedule part, but the centered part. There is a strong stillness deep within me, the place where God lives. He is not pulled in ten thousand directions and in him, neither am I.

And so we welcome June because we must, because to press on as we have been doing hurts too much.

Instead of fighting the change in schedule, I want to let summertime be my sacred companion."

I don't know about you but I have a few blogs I visit on a semi-regular basis.  (in)courage is one of my favorites.  It's a blog sponsored by DaySpring and has a group of amazing women that share from time to time and the great majority of them have their own blogs.  The above quote is from Emily Freeman's "Chatting at the Sky" which I went to after reading her post recently on I(in)courage.  Emily is a pastor's wife, mom to young children, and a wonderful young author.  

Her words about shifting schedules in the summer hit home with me.  Stu is 28 and living in another state and I no longer work in the school system, so I honestly can't say the summers are really that different than any other season - and yet they are.  There is something about summer that begs us to slow down, to relax and enjoy life, to regroup.  As I mentioned in my last post, I'm there.  I'm at the part where "pressing on as we have been doing hurts too much". I am actually thankful to be here - it helps you make the decision to change, to take the deep breath, and begin to find my way back to a pace and quality of life that allow me to find the centered part of my soul.

What about you - what signals your soul that it's time?

http://www.incourage.me/

Healing, Simplifying, Slowing Down,....

I've hesitated to write lately because I want to write something fun - something upbeat, and not another post about hard days.  Honestly, most days aren't that hard, they just seem overwhelming.  I realized a few years back that when I am struggling, I overwhelm easily.  That is my symptom that I am not in a good place.  Symptoms are good things though - they allow us to recognize when we need to do something differently.

I'm almost six months into grieving losing my mom, going through that last year of anxiety and stress, and watching it all end in one great big miserable, horrific mess.  Six months of living with regrets that I killed myself making sure I wouldn't have.  Mind you, you can regret something even though you know that you know that you did your dead level best. God has continued to be faithful to a woman who has been anything but faithful in her daily walk with Him.  I'm not talking about doing major sinning, I'm talking about not drawing closer to the One who is sufficient.  I'm talking about basically not getting close to anybody or anything, but just living days that are pleasant, but not risky.  I'm talking about not loving God will my whole heart.

I went home to my parent's home a few weeks back.  You have to do that when all of a sudden, their home, stuffed to the gills with their lives and their memories, is now your home.  What an amazing gift mom left me - pieces of her are in every corner that is filled with pretty things, jewelry, antique dishes and silver, used plastic bags, outdated canned goods, and, of course, clothes!  It was healing and it allowed God a moment to assure me of His plan in all of this.  It allowed my heart to begin to settle.  God.is.faithful.

Now, it really is time to begin to slow down, simplify, and heal.  I am looking forward to being more intentional in planning time with those who fill my bucket, and not so much with those who don't.  I'm actually writing down what drawers, closets, basements, etc. are going to be organized and purged and they will be done.  I am going to read again - some of those books that have been piling up and begging for my attention.  I'm going to open the pages of "Sacred Rhythms"  again because that book speaks to my very soul.

Finally, I am going to write and journal this part of my story and maybe, just maybe, I'm going to let those who fill my bucket read it.

His mercies are new every morning and I am claiming them!

When it is hard..........

I can't believe I haven't posted since October - you know that 31 days month when I was really going to get going.  Then life happened again, my mom continued to go down in health, life changed drastically and she went home to Glory on December 29th.  I am SO grateful she is there, but I am just not over it.  I miss her even more than I thought I would, I'm overwhelmed at the thought of not having my parent's home in Kentucky to go "home" to, I'm overwhelmed at the thought of having to decide what I keep and what I give away or sell, I'm shut down to my core with my real emotions on all of the above.  Then, my husband had hip replacement surgery in late February and he is doing fabulously, but still, major surgery - now.  Then, guess what, my baby boy, my one and only, the owner of places in my heart that I didn't know existed until I had him, well he is moving to Nashville - to a wonderful new job with full time hours and benefits.  Thank you Jesus!  What an answer to an ongoing heart cry from this momma to Jesus' ears.  It is all good.  Really it is.

Did you catch all of the "and then" words above?  Life is really an "and then" anymore.  It doesn't slow down, it doesn't wait for us to catch up or to be emotionally stable before something else rocks our world.  The one constant is God's faithfulness. I have known it for many years but if we are honest, we really see it when our own resources fail us, when we can't do it on our own, when life just isn't fair.  I am so amazingly happy that God doesn't look at what is fair because if He did, I would be in real trouble.  To quote a wonderful prayer in the Methodist Hymnal "I have not loved you with my whole heart".  I haven't, the world has crowded in and all of the other things I love have filled voids that only God can fill.  The crazy part is that none of them actually work - only God.  Those words, ONLY GOD.  Only God can be enough on those hardest days because those of us on earth simply don't have what it takes sometimes.  We can't heal the hurting, we can't bring back those who have left us too soon, we can't make harsh words jump back into ours or others' mouths, we just can't do what only God can do.  I'm learning that lesson all over again and in the midst of the learning, the following verses wandered into my life yesterday:


Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.

         (Habakkuk 3:17-19 ESV)

Yet I will rejoice.  Because God has to be enough.

More soon - really.