Gagging on Fancy

This past week I began re-reading the Mitford Series by Jan Karon.  I read them in the late 90s and early 2000s and loved every single book.  In a perfect world, I would live in Mitford and visit The Local for my groceries, see Winnie anytime I needed a special cake, and certainly do my best to make friends with Miss Sadie and learn from her.

I finished the first book last night and I believe I can hear a choir of angels celebrating for me.  I have loved to read since I was a child.  My first big book was in 3rd grade when I read "The Wind in the Willows" and I've been reading ever since....until the past few years.  Something shut down deep inside of me while my mom was so sick and dying, my husband was having major surgeries, my son was moving to another state and getting married, and other big ole life changes.  I lost the ability to sit still for any amount of time and concentrate on one thing.  Instead, I have stalked social media, played mindless games on my phone and iPad, and generally walked around puzzled about the whole thing but unable to figure out how to fix it.

God and I have had some serious conversations about the this condition of mine since not reading has also included pretty much not reading my Bible in depth nor other books that would help my spiritual journey.  He has been patient with me and helped me to be patient with myself and in the past few weeks, I have begun to recognize small changes and the beginning of being able to return to myself.  In total honestly, I've done something else for the past several months - I've shopped.  I've bought pretty much anything (within reason) that my little heart saw and wanted.  I have seriously indulged in abundance - enough to make you gag.  Really. Gag.  Finally, I've begun to make myself uncomfortable which has been a glorious beginning of God at work in me.

On Saturday morning, I was reading "At Home in Mitford" and came upon a comment by homeless Hobbs.  Homeless Hobbs is a former advertising exec from NYC who walked away from it all and moved to a little one room cabin deep in the woods outside of Mitford.  He lives on next to nothing and desires nothing more than he has.  When Father Tim asked him how he got to this place, he replied "sometimes you have to gag on fancy to appreciate the plain."  Something broke free in my heart when I read that.  My heart rewrote his comment to be "sometimes you have to gag on overabundance to appreciate simple and "enough" again".  THANK.YOU.JESUS.FOR.HELPING.ME.TO.GAG.

Contentment is growing, my "things" are becoming less, my heart is healing, and my God is cheering.

More soon - I need to make sure I put the second Mitford series books on a table where I can grab it tonight!

One Week Away...

....from the official beginning of the wedding weekend!  My baby boy is getting married next Saturday and the following Thursday, he will turn 29.  From the beginning of those 29 years, I've known this day would come and unlike some moms, I've looked forward to it.  I genuinely have never seen it as losing him.  I don't know why it never occurred to me - maybe because I have enough faith in our relationship to know it will withstand whatever tests come.  Maybe we have been fortunate because our family has walked through really hard moments together and we know we will finish still standing.  Don't get me wrong, there have been a few times where they only way we have still stood is by linking arms, supporting each other, and not allowing the wounds that threatened to take us down win.  Still.we.stand.and.I.love.my.boy.

Next Saturday, Mattie officially becomes a Mitchell and Augy is officially part of our family.  Family means everything to me and I believe that God brought both of them into our family very purposely.  I am praying that I will be the mother-in-law and Zannie that God wants me to be.  I want those two to know that we will ALWAYS stand with them and that we will love them unconditionally. 

But, for the next week, I am going to work very hard not to lose my mind, to stay calm as we finish up the thousands of last minute details, and most of all, I am going to try to live in the moment and celebrate each one of them.  You only get to do this once and I want to savor it.  I want to be grateful and rejoice that God has allowed us to walk through this.

I'll keep you posted!

Let the sun shine, let the sun shine, the sun shine in.............

The week of March 31st has begun and there have already been several BIG events....

1)  We used our grill on Monday evening and I forgot how much I love GRILLED chicken, assuming, of course, that it has been in a good marinade first 'cause let's face it, chicken on it's own is pretty bland.  The thought of burgers, hot dogs, steaks these next month are making me very, very happy!

2)  I started pulling my sandals out of their clear tubs under the bed AND wearing them!  I would live in sandals all year long if it were a possibility, but even in Georgia, from about October through March, it just doesn't work.  Of course, I realized that I would live in sandals but I would also want to wear my cool boots too so maybe colder weather has a purpose.  Actually, I know it has a purpose because my sandals would look rather funny with my jeans and sweaters which is the outfit I would live in all year long if I could.  In the end, I've got to give props to God - we do need all four seasons!

3)  I washed my car last night in my very own driveway.  Growing up, we always washed our cars at home but I've run mine through the car wash more times this past year than I want to admit.  The daily rain last summer was a huge issue for home washing but I still need to own the fact that I've been kind of a slacker on that front.  Last night was awesome as I realized that I realized it was even more white than I remembered once I got that bottom layer of dirt off - the one the car wash never seems to get.

I'm pretty excited that it is only Wednesday and I have a few more days of this amazing weather to figure out ways to make my heart happy in this wonderful Spring weather.  The sun literally makes things appear brighter but it also lightens my heart in a very real way.  I don't know that I've always been as affected by sunshine as I am now.  I used to love rainy days and if I can be at home, all cozy, I still feel like I would be quite grateful for an occasional drippy day.  Not often though - not too often.

Does sunshine change the color of your world?

The Lord will fight for you - you have only to be still...........

This verse from Exodus 14:14 comes from Moses reassuring the people of Israel that they would make it through the absolutely insurmountably challenge they were facing - crossing the Red Sea.  In my mind, I see all these people standing at the water's edge, only able to see water for as far out as they could see, and knowing and probably hearing (at least in their minds) the soldiers gaining on them and getting ready to crash through the trees and bushes (again in my mind) in back of them.   My heart actually begins to get a little anxious even as I type this scenario.  They have done all they can do, they have run and pushed as far as they can push to get ahead, they can almost see freedom in front of them BUT there is nothing left for them to do now except wait to be captured.  

I don't know about you, but I've felt that way a few too many times in recent months.  If you haven't figured it out by now, I am one who will push and fight and go as long as I can possibly go in my own strength to make the way smooth and perfect for my family, and if I am honest, for myself.  I.like.things.to.work.the.way.they.are.supposed.to.work.

What is more embarrassing to me is that I KNOW my own strength isn't sufficient, I KNOW how desperately I need God's strength, I KNOW trying to do it on my own is a form of arrogance and pride, and I KNOW how to counsel others to let go and let God............I just haven't figured out how to let go of my own stuff. And so, God continues to love me through it and to show me that His faithfulness is unconditional and enough.

It's March 27 and three weeks for this coming Saturday, my baby boy is getting married to girl of his dreams.  I cannot speak the words that tell you how faithful God has been to allow my heart to already adore this young woman.  I love her, I want to protect her and make her world pretty and safe.  I want her son to know that he can always count on us and that we will move heaven and earth to make sure he too is safe and loved.  I want.........to do it all on my own again.  Sigh.  Sorry.God.I.just.keep.messing.it.up.

So, I am getting ready to do something I haven't done in at least two years.  I am taking a four day weekend with no plans written into it except getting my new washer/dryer on Saturday which is a most wonderful thing and the only thing that will keep us from having to buy yet more new underwear, and I am going to rest and be still.  Don't get me wrong - there are many, many things I hope to accomplish but I am going to rest while I do them.  I am going to do my very best to be still and to allow God to fight on my behalf.  I am trusting in Him and believing He is able.

I will let you know how it goes.    By the way, who knew two white metal things could make one girl so very excited!! :)

A New Year and a New Word - Abundance

It's a new year and we are already 22 days into January, 2014!  

2013 was definitely a year of transition......... 

A year dealing with and learning how to live without my parents here on this earth any longer and waiting for the call that meant I needed to head to Kentucky.....

A year where my only baby boy moved to another state........

My husband had hip replacement surgery 

Our home got such much needed and much loved TLC

 We went on our first cruise!

My position at work continued to ramp up with more responsibility and more opportunities to grow and learn 

A year filled with moments with young women I love

An amazing car of my dreams 

And finally, an engagement and the promise of new Mitchell family members.

There were so many wonderful moments in 2013 and some of the most difficult I have faced in this life time.  Cleaning out my parents' home and walking away from that house was absolutely as hard as burying them.  The blessing is that my home is now filled with precious physical memories that make me smile on a regular basis.  

So, back to the fact that it is 2014 and I want this to be a year full of days spent in the present, savoring what is, not what was or what is going to be.  There IS going to be a wedding in three months and there is planning to do for that, but still, I want to live in the moment now.  I want to breathe deep, recognize the abundance that is my life, and take the time to give thanks for it all.  

I'm working on it.

Slowly.........

October 24 - 24 days into October. Seven days left to go.  It.went.too.fast.again.

Still, in 25 days, there has been progress in my quest to figure out what I really want, and actually need, my life to look like.  I KNOW I have to find a way to live more in the moment, to let go, to energize myself with time doing what I love, to allow others to just be, and most importantly, do all of this so I will be a much brighter light for the one who saved my soul.

I've learned so much about God's faithfulness these past few years in my hardest moments.  In those moments that break us to the core of our soul, He is there.  Period. Always.  Without fail.  Probably more amazing to me, and certainly more humbling, is His faithfulness to me now.  These are the moments where there are no real scary issues for my family, our blessings are numerous, and life is basically calm.  This is when I know He is faithful, His love is unconditional, and His grace absolutely covers me.  You see, in these months, my faithfulness to Him is lacking.  I seem to wander through the days, not settling down long enough for meaningful time and conversation with anyone, much less my Lord and Savior.  The hardest part - I can't seem to be an overcomer in this area right now.  I will vow to do better, pray for help, and then wander through the next day.

I buy books, download devotionals and podcasts, listen to podcasts, pray throughout the day at random moments, and know I am less than whole because of this lack of real, carved out time of relationship.  I need time spent reading His word, reading amazing literature that grows my faith, journaling prayers and praises, and just resting in Him.

Today is a new day though, there is time in the day to start.  Today.

Seriously, what happened to September?

It is October 1st - seriously?  A few years back, I began to thank God for specific days. You know, like "Thank you God for Monday, September 30 2013".  I said those words yesterday and actually began to choke up.  Totally threw me for a loop - did not expect that.  

In some ways, I think I've just thought it would be a good idea to get this year over - get through all those "firsts" again.  Still, I just don't think I thought it would go SO fast.  I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Fall.  I wait for it beginning January 1st of every year.  Every year I also make a deal with myself to slow down and really enjoy the fall days.  Every year, I wake up and it's December 1st and fall is done.  This year was going to be different - my life looks different this fall without mom and her care.  There should be time.  Tell that to September - totally gone and I didn't even really know it was here.

I can give you many reasons why October and November will feel the same way - lots of life going on, a wedding to help plan (that is a whole 'nother post), and a house that was full before I brought home a whole lot of what was in my parents' home.  So.much.to.do.

I'm learning though, that the choice is mine most of time.  I wake up each morning and make a decision whether I will rush through every moment of the day, already anticipating what the next moment needs to look like OR choosing to live in the moment I am in.

Truth - I am not at all sure how I will do this month with my choices but I am going to try.  I desperately want to slow down, live in and cherish the moments, and just be grateful.

Thirty-one days to try.  I'm going to start with today.

Enjoy the moment!